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  Tuesday Aug 3 2004 11:30pm Itís late & Iím tired but I wanted to get a quick post in before I read my self to sleep.  Myau had his surgery this morning & is fine. I going to be bringing him home tomorrow.  Saw ďCat WomanĒ to night after visiting with Sue & Dave.  I seem to be doing better with the exception I seem to hate this fucking place all of a sudden.  Maybe I should sell it.  Got me a new coffee pot at last!  My old one melted.

In the words of Steve Allen ďGood night & may your god go with youĒ


Sunday Aug 1 2004  I went on a 19 mile ride this morning. Then I got out my to do list to see what I had planed in the past. I keep a master to do list that I put everything in from fun things that i come up with to work that needs to be done.  Well I chose to go hiking.  I parked my care at Canaseragaís gas station & climbed down in to the creek & followed it down to the Sun Valley campground about 3-4 miles round trip.  It was one tough hike Iím exhausted, Iím going to sleep tonight.  Due to bad planning I had never empted the camera from the canal ride so I could not get as many pictures as I wanted.  Next week Iím going to take the stuff behind my shed to the dump & hike one of the finger lake trails.  Thatís how Iím going to fight this depression by doing things that matter. I seem to be doing better.

8-1-04 Canaseraga Creek <--Pictues

  Sat July 31 2004 God! this is the 2nd hardest thing I've ever had to deal with.  This week I took some online IQ tests. On one test I got 154 and another I got 145.  Friday night I got really drunk when my depression turned to anger. The anger was at me & not anybody specific. I took another test and got 128 while drunk.  I just wish I could understand the phrase ďIgnorance is BlissĒ!  I wish I was ignorant or in bliss.  Knowing why & how brings no peace or comfort one is still left with nothing.  My shrink gave me the book ďCodependent No moreĒ my goal is to stop caring more about others then I do about myself & start taking care of me first.  This is really hard as I validate my own myself happiness by helping others & making sure that no one gets hurt, no one that is but me. I need to look to myself for my own happiness & not how I can make others happy.  I current am not happy & donít know were to start. I just want someone to lift me up sometimes. 

Tuesday July 27, 2004 LATER that night:  Thanks to Mickey for pointing me in the right direction.  It seems that a lot of my depression had been due to my dieting lately.  She suggested that I eat some carbs, I immediate felt much better not 100% but better.  Iíve cut way down on the carbs but I havenít gone full Atkins. Plus with out a coffee pot Iím on caffeine withdraw.  I had a good time tonight at the Drum & Bugle Core show tonight.

&& Tuesday July 27 2004 Iíve been very depressed lately & I canít put my finger on why.  I feel very alone all the time.  I have not been this bad since just after Betsy died.  I just wish I could figure out the cause, it started Friday night & has been getting worst.  Iíve decided to go on the antidepressant Wellbutrin and to start going to counseling again.  It seem like my life is out of controls.  I know that I have a lot going for me like 17 years knowing Betsy, great friends, a good job,  a recent relationship that makes me smile and my own home. My friends have been there me & I canít tell you what that means to me.  I just wish I knew some way to attack this. The only time it seems to lift is when Iím with people. I look forward to every social event that comes along.  I do know that some of the changes that life brings about make me feel like Iím losing the people around me.  For example Nancy is working 60+ hours in Rochester and is going to move there.  Miranda is now seeing someone new.  Donít get me wrong, I wish her all the happiness in the world.  & Iím going to try to go out of my way to keep her as a friend . Bill is working on getting his life back in order.  My card group has disbanded as everyone got busy.  I need to find new things to fill my life.  I remember many years ago I felt like this & I prayed to God to send me someone to love and he sent me Betsy, and all she wanted was someone to love her.  I donít know if itís just one thing or a cluster fuck of them all.

Sunday Night July 25, 2004 Other then losing my keys I thing the night went well, better then that last time I did this when I thought I lost my wallet in Canaseraga.    Other good news is that my weight is the lowest itís been in over two years.  Iím even lower than when I was sick & lost 30 pounds in a week.  Now I need to keep this up, I stopped exercising last November which was the worst thing that I could have done.  I should know by now that it makes me a happier person.  Rode to Howard today for around 30 miles I thing my legs are rebelling because Iíve rode around 20 miles each day for the last week.

Sunday Morning July 26 2004 Iíve been cleaning up my email inbox this morning, reading old messages and moving things around.  Well Iíve come to a startling conclusion and I need to do something about it. Looking back I should have been able to come to this fact earlier,  sorry about that but I'm not perfect.  So starting today Iím going to stop putting most personal items into my log here because somebody keeps reading the wrong things into them. It was never my intention to hurt anyone with this information I was just trying to create a public record of my life that I could share with the world & the people I love.  I have a personal journal that I keep nearly daily entries in & I will keep anything personal only in there from now on.  For the record & to try to set thing straight here are how the last few entries stack up.  

Wednesday July 21 2004:  OK this one is about you after I got that hurtful e-mail from you.

Tuesday July 20 2004:  once again this was about that friend of mine that disappeared.  

7-(16-17-18-19)-04 Weekend Update: this one was all about me; we all get depressed from time to time.  

Sunday July 11, 2004 entry: This was about a friend of mine that disappeared from my life for almost 6 months.   I told you that in an email when you questioned it.  

If I missed any questionable entries let me know & Iíll publicly clear up any misunderstanding otherwise this is the end of most of the  personal stuff here from me here. 

Sat July 25, 2004 Tired! Went riding on the Erie Canal trail to day with friends we did about 20 miles.  Iíd love it & am gong back this week sometime.  Check out the pictures in the photo section.  I also fixed the broken link below to the ďMy ArtĒ section.  I took some time to clear my head today over the stuff that happened early this week

Thursday July 22 2004 Well finally something good to look forward to, Iím not going to say any more now because I donít want to jinx it. I canít believe how well the new bike is performing. I put 20 miles on it today after work. I seem to be able to take hills much better & ride 5-10mph faster at all times. Because of this I had to expand my daily 7-8 miles ride to 12-15 miles with some bigger hills. 

I added another page to the ďMy ArtĒ section with some of my latest stuff.  Check it out.

4F 68 65 61 76 61 74 20 6F 65 76 71 74 72 66 3A  

20 59 62 61 71 62 61 20 4F 65 76 71 74 72 20 75   

6E 66 20 6F 68 65 61 76 61 74 20 71 62 6A 61 2C  

20 6F 68 65 61 76 61 74 20 71 62 6A 61 2C 20 6F  

68 65 61 76 61 74 20 71 62 6A 61 2C 20 59 62 61  

71 62 61 20 4F 65 76 71 74 72 20 75 6E 66 20 6F  

68 65 61 76 61 74 20 71 62 6A 61 2C 20 5A 6C 20  

73 6E 76 65 20 59 6E 71 6C 2E 20 47 75 76 66 20  

76 66 20 6A 75 6E 67 20 56 20 6F 72 79 76 72 69  

72 20 6C 62 68 20 6E 65 72 20 71 62 76 61 74 20  

5A 76 65 6E 61 71 6E 20                          


Wednesday July 21 2004 A lot happened today I would like to put some of it here but Iím afraid it might be misinterpret.  Nothing hurts me more then the possibility of losing a friend.  I donít have many friends but I believe quality is better then quantity.  I make friends slowly & measure my success by my friends.  A misunderstanding my have caused me to lose a friend today and that leaves me very sad.  I had put in a lot of effort in the past to make sure that it would survive. Right now Iím just hurt.  My goal going into this was not to hurt anyone & not get hurt and to live with out regret. It seems that I have failed. For the record I meant no offence, you have been there for me as I have for you. Iím sorry.  

My life has changed so much in the last two years; good, bad & out of my control.  I truly believe that at every point I made the best decision with what I had at any given time.  Hopefully Iíll do better in the future.

Tuesday July 20 2004 They say confession is good for the soul well It true.  Tonight I did something that I was putting off  & I feel better for it.  I wish people came with manuals because they never cease to perplex me.  I've decided that recent events are beyond me & I'm going to just let go.

Somebody I know has the W32.Netsky.Q@mm Virus.  This virus set up a hidden email server on it host to send spam into the net.  It tries to spread by covertly sending it self to every email address it finds on the infected computer! I have received 5 of these today & suspect that the machine has recently become infected!  I wonder who it could be??

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The same IP has sent all of the messages & it resolves to ool-18ba146b.dyn.optonline.net []
but this doesn't mean much. if I find out more I'll let you know. Up date you DAT files! this bug is not new!

7-(16-17-18-19)-04 Weekend update Well this stinks. Not only is it raining today, I was planning to ride about 40 miles of the Erie Canal . My coffee pot caught fire & my web server died! I'm building a new now one check back later. Web server that is; I'm not building a coffee pot.

Well I have a new love in my life, see picture below. And Wow is she fast, I like them that way! She gives a nice ride too.

The mail server got whacked up as well!

Went to the ATM today to get some cash & it told me I only had $4.37.  I spent most of the night tracking that one down.  Turns out I made a 500 dollar error in my banking last month.

I've been in a fowl mood all weekend & until Sunday night  I didn't know why.  Now that I do I can deal with it.

Everything should be back to normal with my web site now.  I'm a freak about backups so all my data is always safe.  I used to the do the offsite disaster recovery testing at Steuben trust when I worked there & old habits die hard

All in all a pretty crappy weekend!

My new love is a Cannondale ďSilk rideĒ.  I was having a problem with my Trek Mountain bike back tire pulling to the left when I took it in for repairs I was told that it was going to be at lest 4 weeks.  Four weeks! That most of my summer!  It was time to get a backup bike. I also got a bike rack for the car & plan on a long ride a week as soon as this rain is gone.

My friend Patty sent me a really cute online birthday card.  I hope you don't mind Patty but I just had to share it

Sunday July 11, 2004 Went to the Sterling Renaissance Festival Saturday check put the pictures here.  And also check out the rudest two people Iíve come across so far in my 38 ears, see below.  Iíve alls added some recent pictures of myself in the about me page. I have also moved the photos section in the photo page into reverse order so that the most recent are at top.  Iíve also just put together some information and come to the collusion that Iíve been lied to.  I am very disappointed & hurt by this.  Iím also putting back the entrees that I removed I still feel bad about them but they did happen.  

Marty thank you for the robot. I first thought that it was from the friend that was looking after my cat for me during the week end because it was under my TV when I got back today and nobody else has a key. But Nancy set me straight.  I really like it, you must know that I collect robots.

Susan, I suspected that you email was having problems as I had sent you some stuff that I thought that you would comment on. I'll forward everything to you work address.

While at the fair we stopped at one show called the mud fight.  We got their 20 minutes before the show & chose to stand in the shade. Nobody else was around, the seats were all empty.  Well haft way though the show the blonde taped me on the shoulder and ďHey you want a seat? Sit herĒ.  I told her that I got there early so that I could watch from the shade and was quite happy were I was.   A few moments later Mr. Rude came over to ask me to move to the over side of the tree (not in the shade). I pointed out that the people already there had done nothing to me so why should I ask them to move for him. About 3 minutes later he came back and said ďHey look we canít see back thereĒ pointing behind me.  I told him that it sounds like he should move. He just stood there, obviously waiting for me to move.  So I informed him that bad planning on his part didnít mean that I was going to move. They came up & stood in font of me for a while but when the realized that it was not brothering me they went into the audience to bother others.


Wednesday July 7 2004  Well I'm 38 today; wow. as a present to my self I rode to Howard about 33 miles. I going back to paying my bills now, such birthday fun!

Tuesday July 6 2004 I changed my daily bike route today to go around the Almond Dam.  Check out the pictures. about 16 miles

Sunday July 4 2004  I added a page to display the artwork I'm current working on.  The main link is on my default page as "My Art".  I'm going to give my puzzlement a week before I move on it.  Hast makes waste and I'm not in any hurry.

Friday July 2 2004 WOW what a bike ride 42.07 miles in all. The only down side was the 2.5 mile death march up the side of a mountain in the HOT sun,  this was due to a friends navigational error.  I went though 6 bottle of water 1 large Gatorade & a black raspberry shake & never had to pee once! It was a sweaty day. I reset my odometer as I left Elmira & while this doesnít seem right I hit 47 miles almost exactly at the mine Bath exit!  Itís Saturday now & I feel great.

Thursday July 1 2004  Today kind of snuck up on me.  I'm a little disappointed in myself because of it.  Today would have been Betsy and myself 13 wedding anniversary.  I took roses to the cemetery; She hated roses! she would always point out what a waist of money they were;  being too expensive for flowers.  I enjoyed that little bit of irony.  I was going to put up some of my recent ray tracing; AKA artwork. but the archive I sent home from work would not decompress. I'll re send it later.  But for now I put up the picture I took while walking to Canisteo  last Saturday.  Enjoy & wish me luck on my long bike ride tomorrow.  

Tuesday June 29, 2004 Tonight I just going to subject you to some of my latest images from my 3D projects & a boring 3meg animation I did download it if you don't have a life. sinewave3

Monday June 29, 2004 After my Thursday update I decided to program some more. I was moving the 3D code into its own function so that it could reference any data source.  Around 2:30 my cat Myau jumped up on my lap without his collar.  As I was playing with him I found all the large fluid filled sacks under here his collar would have been.  As I was beginning to freak out about that I noticed what I thought was dried food on the side of his chin when I went to clean it off I realized it was dried blood.  He had a large infection in his gums.  Well I got him to the vets early the next morning.  The diagnosis was nothing too serious; the vet believes that due to my catís age (14) his immune system isnít what it used to be!  After just one day of the prescribed antibiotics my cat is as I have not seen him in years.  Itís good to see him with all that energy again.    

Pet peeve time:  When at the movies tonight I went into the menís room to answer natureís call.  There was a wall of empty urinals & three guys standing in stalls peeing in the toilets! What are you trying to hide?  You got some thing I donít?  OK Iím done venting now.  


Sunday June 22 2004 AM; I'm such a sap, I've just used the morning to watch to watch "Sleepless in Seattle".   But now I'm off for a bike ride to Canaseraga.

Thursday June 24 2004 Iíve been spending most of my spare time programming.  My new personal project will require me to draw 3D surfaces.  Below are some of my first attempts, the code is based on stuff I did in high school on the Apples but a WHOLE lot faster.  Something like the big one would have taken about 6 hours on my old apple.  But now it drew in under 2 seconds. Do I read or program?  If I read Iíll fall a sleep in half an hour.  If I program Iíll lose track of time & get to bed  around 3am. 


  &     Tuesday June 22, 2004 There I was sitting at one of my computers typing a email to a new friend when I noticed that it was getting dark.  So I reached back to turn on a light, as I did it the compact flash bulbís exploded sending electricity though me to an outlet strip my foot was resting on.  Not only did I get one Hell of a ZAP but my sock caught on fire & the explosion scorched the hair on my hand.  Iím alive so this must be my lucky day, Lotto machines here I come!  Iím a little frazzled so I tabled the email to Susan until tomorrow.  Also the jeep I was looking at was sold so Iím looking at a different one Friday.  Dam! Its dark in here. You know the old Saying "It's always darkest just before stepping on the cat!"

Sunday June 20, 2004 Well my 4 day weekend is almost over. Iím acutely tired at the moment having trimmed three trees, cleaned my basement and rode 44 miles today.  Thatís one more then last yearís record but its not were I want to be.  Tomorrow I might be buying a jeep or at least talking to the dealer. I got and ideal for a new program to write unlike anything Iíve done before. I first gave to figure out vector math, 3D projections and real-time response.  Iíll keep you post, at the moment Iím off to search the web for vector math


Wednesday June 16 2003. I know that it been a while since I gave an update. Well Iíve been busy & having fun!  Letís see what to say?  Ok.  Last Tuesday June 8 I watched an event that has not happed in 150 years, for 2 hours after sunrise you could see Venus drifting across the sun.  It appeared as a dark speck.  I get another 3.5% raise in two weeks and I move to three weeks of vacation pre year!  When I left the bank I gave up 5 weeks of vacation per year.  I also stared to clean my basement today; Iíve been putting this off as I have been overwhelmed by it in the past.  I got rid of a lot of old beer that I have brewed that turned out bad.  It has been down there for over 3-4 years fermenting.  I was holding the first bottle to uncap with a bottle opener just as the pressure started to be released the whole top BLOW off & the beer formed so fast that it shot 4 feet into the air.  It was now time to find gloves seeing that I did not lose a finger on that one. Five more EXPLODED other shot out beer like a rocket.  Also on the news front is that Iím considering buying a Jeep Grand Cherokee.  Last week I lost 2 pounds on my diet & this week I put it back on while riding 10-15 miles a day, this sucks!  Iíve been emailing someone & have a great time doing it; Iím 37 years old & I still find it amazing how different ever woman I talk to is.  My quest to find the firs million primes has run into a snag.  I have just under the first 400,000 of them but now it takes 10-15 seconds to get one.  As the numbers get bigger I expect the time to follow the same curve, if that is true I calculate that it will be over a year for one computer to do it. As a result Iíve started work on a prime server/client system so that multiple computers can work on it at once.


And lastly I own friend from high school an apology.  Iíve been very bad at keeping in touch & emailing back as all my friends could attest! Around Christmas Shar Rubio a friend from school contacted me & I have yet to reply, something I intent to remedy.


Todayís Mars factoid:  The temperature on Mars is an average of -81; varying from -128 to -23.  Marís Atmosphere is made up of the following:

                        CO2 - 95.32% 
                        N2 - 2.7%

                                                            Ar - 1.6%

                                                            O2 - 0.13%

                                                            CO - 0.08%

Monday June 7, 2004 Dame the evening went quick.  Iíve been busy ever since I got home from work.  I did manage to get in a bike ride, losing 2 pounds last week is a great motivator.  I bought a new bike headlight 40 watts at 20 hours/charge, I love ridding in the dark.  You donít know what you hit until your are laying there net to it.  Every now and then Iíve need business cards for work but I have never gotten around to making some up.  Well here it is:

Sunday June 6, 2004 I owe I owe Itís off to work I go.  Well would you look at the time! My vacation is over, bummer.  I had a good while away.  I did vacation like stuff and not just working around the house like I normally do.  I took a long bike ride today & took about 70 pictures with my new digital camera.  I was going to put more here then those below but they all came out crappie!  Its going to tack some time to get used to all of the features & quarks.  I did get attacked by a red fox, I was walking along playing with the controls of the camera when I looked up to find it growling at me from about 15 feet away.  I think that it was a female and was protecting her litter.  I back up slowly and she ran off.  The pictures below are bad so I blow them up (in all the excitement I could not get the zoom to work).  Needless to say I choose a different route for the remainder of my trip. 

I added 3 more computers to my network today; they are:

Linux server to try to keep my skills up

A novell 4.11 server for testing

And a box running the Plan 9 OS from Bell labs,  just for the fun of it.  Plan 9 was developed with out consideration for past compatibility.  Designed from a purely scientific approach.


I also wired all the computers in my lab into one set of speakers using a device I got from the ham show.  

I have not check on my work email all week, I dread it, there is going to be a lot of it.  I catch up on it using Canaseragaís time.   

Iím off to read the camera manual. Nitty night.



Friday June 4 2004 I got back from my trip early then I thought.  Miranda was right driving long distances by your self give you plenty of time to think.  Now I need to figure out what to do with my new found knowledge.  I enjoyed the trip even though it was a bit of a bust; I did a lot of the touristy stuff.  Tomorrow Iím off for some real fun a ham radio show in Rochester I just looking at all that tech junk.  Now I'm going to crash, better now then during the four hours of driving. 

Thursday May 27 2003 I'm a little burned out at the moment, I am looking forward to my vacation all next week. Sorry for the lack of updates I decided to take a break form all my projects for the week.  Today was one boring day, I was so bored that I wrote a program to find prime numbers and found the first 319,601 consecutive primes.  The last one was 4,556,407 incase your interested.

Took some more online personality test to try to better understand myself, results are at the links below & also on the about me page.  The scary one was the match.com one see the results below. (1% That Sucks!)

Results of online personality test

Below are the results of the chess game that me & Shawn have been playing I the white player won!  I'm currently working on ay way to put the game up here in a animated way.  It currently works but not from my server. 

1. Nc3 c6 2. d4 d5 3. Nf3 Bf5 4. e3 Nd7 5. Bd3 e6 6. O-O Ngf6 7. Qe2 h6 

8. Re1 Bd6 9. b3 O-O 10. Bb2 Rb8 11. Nh4 Bxd3 12. Qxd3 Ng4 13. g3 Qf6 

14. f3 g5 15. Ng2 Nde5 16. dxe5 Nxe5 17. Qf1 Nxf3+ 18. Kh1 g4 19. Reb1 e5 20. e4 d4 

21. Nd1 Qg6 22. Qe2 c5 23. Ne1 f5 24. Nf2 a6 25. Ba3 b5 26. b4 c4 27. Nxf3 gxf3 

28. Qxf3 Be7 29. Rd1 Bg5 30. Rf1 f4 31. h4 Bf6 32. gxf4 c3 33. Rg1 Bg5 

34. hxg5 h5 35. f5 Qxg5 36. Rxg5+ Kh8 37. Qxh5# 1-0


Friday May 21 2004 It was two years ago today that Betsy got the flu.  She will have died tomorrow night (Saturday May 22) shortly after 9:30pm.  I started to write a detailed time line as to what happened, but as I tried in the past, I canít seem to bring my self to do it!  I miss her.   I wanted to do something this Saturday in her memory but due to the bad weather I've decided to wait until the first week of June or July.

At the moment Iím exhausted!  I donít work this hard when Iím at work.  Iíve gotten so much donít in the last two days of my vacation.  I stole the flowers from stony Brook & got them planted at Betsy grave.  Abs hereís a big one!  10 years ago when we bought this house the seller left 5 tires in the back yard well today I got rid of them.  Iím just a little slow thatís all.  I was to have this whole week off for vacation but Canaseraga was not happy about it & asked me to cancel my vacation.  

While I know this is a sad time for me & I know that Iíve said this before but here it is again.  I know that things are good for me.  I have good friends, good job, Iím not in debt and I had a great winter [  ;-)m  ].  But Iím not happy & I donít know why.  

Itís been over a month and a half since Iíve heard from my friend bill.  He was to have helped me move something with his truck.  But he was just over for a favor & left.  I bet I wonít see him again until he needs something.  Iím pissed.  

Iíve just as my decision making eight ball ďIf things will work out okĒ and it replied ďAs I see it, yesĒ.  So far everything I have asked of it has happened.  Itís all in how you fraise the question.

And lastly as of yesterday my 324-4215 number is now gone!  All I have is my cell phone.  it was hard to give up the phone number that me & Betsy shared for 11 years.  but since all of her friends seem to have left me & that fact that everybody important knows my new number makes it easier. 

For fun and because Betsy would have loved it.  Can anybody tell me that following are?

Go hang a salami. I'm a lasagna hog.
Cigar? Toss it in a can, it is so tragic. 
Dog as a devil deified lived as a god.
Stressed? No tips ? Spit on desserts. 
No, Sir! Away! A papaya war is on! 
O Memsahib, Bart! Rabbi has memo! 
Egad! A base tone denotes a bad age. 
I roamed under it, a tired, nude Maori. 
Yawn. Madonna Fan? No damn way! 
Sums are not set as a test on Erasmus. 
No, Mel Gibson is a casino's big lemon. 
Yo! Beg a clam in an animal cage, boy! 
Marge lets Norah see Sharon's telegram. 
Aha, Monica met a mate, Mac, in Omaha. 
God! A red nugget! A fat egg under a dog! 
"Ma," Jerome raps pot top, "spare more jam!" 
Go deliver a rat for a tar (oft a rare, vile dog). 
Straw? No, too stupid a fad. I put soot on warts. 
Elapsed or esteemed, all Ade meets erodes pale.
"Reviled did I live," said I, "as evil I did deliver." 
Name tarts? No, medieval slave, I demonstrate Man! 
No, I save on final perusal--a sure plan, if no evasion. 
I, madam. I made radio! So I dared! Am I mad? Am I? 
Are we not drawn onward, we few? Drawn onward to new era? 
Doc, note. I dissent. A fast never prevents a fatness. I diet on Cod. 

Wednesday May 12, 2004Got a lot done at work today.  Still Weak, I went on a 8 mile bike ride & mowed half of my yard.  Iím tired but I feel like Iím getting stronger. Life is getting fun again  

Good new is I may not have to use my vacation or personal time for any of this Iíll know more Friday.  I could be on vacation all next week isnít that a kicker!  Iím going to try my exercise tape in the morning.


Tuesday May 11, 2004 Well Monday night Miranda, Mickey, Conner & I went to the mall. Miranda & I saw a movie while Mickey & son had fun at the mall.  On the way home I was joking about the lack of deer I saw & Miranda said be careful and donít jinx myself.  Well after dropping Miranda off a Deer ran right out in front of us.  I missed it by about 5 feet.  Wow.  

Iím feeling better just tired.  I had two teeth filled today, with 3 more to go.  Iím going to try to sleep with out the meds to night.  I also mad an appointment with a dietitian To try to understand my caloric needs so that I can lose weight better.

Oh & just For fun here are some ďOĒ words: o'clock oak oar obfuscate obit objective objects observatory observation obsessive obsolete obtrusive obtuse Occitan occult occultation occupation Oceania ochre octagon octillion octal October octopus  odd oddball odiousness operetta of offer offset offspring ogre oh ohboy oil ok okapi old logia oligarchy olive Olympic Oman Omani omega omelets  omicron ominous omens omnibus on on-hold once oneself onion online onomatopoeia  onstage Ontario ontology onus ooze oops open operand operating operation operator opinion opportunity opulent or oral Oran organ orange orbit orchid ordinate order ordinal ordinary ordinate ore organ organism organizer orient original orison oration Orkney Orleans Oren oregano orthodontist orthodoxies orthopedist octopi Oryx os Oslo osmium osmosis Osseo oaten osier oxtail ostrich other Ottawa otter Otto ouch oust oughtn't ovule our ours ourselves outage outbid outcome outdid outdo outdone outdoors outer outgrew outgrow outgrown outlet output outrage outran outrun outsell outsold oval omega ovular overate overcame overcast overcome overdid overdo overdone overdraw overdrawn overdrew overeat overeaten overhang overhear overheard overhung overlaid overlain overlay overlie overpaid overpay overran overridden override overrode overrun oversaw oversee overseen oversell overshoot overshot oversleep overslept oversold overtake overtaken overthrew overthrow overthrown overtook overweight owl own ox oxford oxygen


Sunday May 9 2004.  I have not felt this good in over three weeks, I hope it stays around after my antibiotics are gone tomorrow night.  I have been at my personal low during this a place I couldnít imaging existing even my nightmares.  Iíd like to thank everybody that help me climb out of that hell.    

Dave thanks for bringing there when I realized that I could not continue on my own.

Miranda thanks for staying with me.  You being here gave me great comfort, the pizza was great.

Nancy thanks for listing me babble & watching me fall asleep.  

To my doctor that did not seem to care that I was not sleeping & told me I just had to find a way to live with the seizures & no sleep I could not be more disappointed.  Although you did change your tone when I hit rock bottom.  I now have serious doubts.  

Weird Fact: there is enough salt in the seaís to cover the planet 500 ft thick


  && Thursday April 29, 2004  I started to give a detailed account of this week from hell but I decide not to put it here as its to personal & I donít want to remember it my self.  I do think itís almost over, Iím starting to sleep again.  Iím so tired at the moment but Iím not going to bed until 11:00.

Also I added a Photo I missed to the PA section

Wednesday April 28 2004  I posted the photos i took of Miranda & myself last trip to PA

  &  The last set of entries are gone.  And Iím sorry about them,  I was hurting but that is no excuse.  The suffering that I have endured over the last 4 days has reveled many things to me things Iím not proud of & few things even scared me.  

Miranda, Iíve been thinking a lot about us & Iíve decided that I made more then my share of mistakes with us.  But the reasons that I loved you are still there just a little different now.  As gone as I get my health back AGAIN I would like very much to meet with you and talk maybe over dinned.  

I lost 11-13 pounds over that last 4 days  & havenít sleep more the 2-3 hours a night.  I now know what its like to be torture.